COULD THIS BE !!!

Where do I start
All this cycle Ive had no hope actually feeling very sorry for myself
when on the way home from work my eye started to twitch hmm I thought my cousin Jordan said the only symptom she had was that her eye twitched like a mad woman I marched straight to super drugs and brought a pack of tests I was sure that id get a BFN as id been peeing all day the test was blank no line no BFP just BFN I picked it up to put in the bin and noticed the faintest of lines OMG could this be.
I tested again in the morning and it was as clear as day the line but me being me I'm still no overly sure they could both be evaps Ive heard that people can get to evaps if they are from the same pack.
Friday I tested with a digi there it was PREGNANT OMFG
COULD THIS BE am I.
I'm praying that AF does not come on Monday
please little chick pea stick

My New Toy

Ok so last month I brought myself a fertility monitor
it took me a while to work it out and stuff but now its my new best friend.
So im now onto my second month using it i had one day of low fertility and am now on day two of my high
yay I cant wait to see if this momth is the month

UPDATE ON ME AND PROGRESS

GOSH its been a while since I have been on here

I'm am now actually in the stages of giving up smoking i have had only one in the last two weeks I'm soo proud of myself it does come wit its downfall of my mood swings and the withdrawal has been making me tired.

still no sign of a baby yet but things are looking up period actually started when it was meant to that only took seven months but it was on time now I'm guessing I'm on track would be nice to fall this month as I actually ovulate on the day me and hubby got married

I have now managed to secure myself another job for at least a year then hopefully my contract will be renewed to a permanent one

we have also had the offer accepted on the house and plan to move in on the end of August they say things happen in threes RIGHT?????

FEELING BETTER

Today I feel better MUCH better

yesterday we went to see a mortgage advisor - we have had a mortgage agreed WHOOOOPA
we have put an offer down on a house not the one want but it will do and is clean

I have decided not to worry about this whole TTC thing one day at a time i feel will be better hopefully this house moving thing will keep me busy

I'm going to try not to stress so much theres no need for it so why am i doing it
period is over now too

I can just move on and up go with the flow

I need to keep PMA i will be pregnant by the end of the year I know I will be

on to cycle i just cant remember and the breakdown

OK so this is cycle 6 maybe 7!

OK so this cycle just gone i was chilled out rite up until the dreaded tww then for some reason I had just turned phcyo i mean mental thinking ever move every loo trip every burp, hiccup every head ache every food craving just made me think that for some reason i was preggo but in fact this is just not the case why am i humoring myself soo much this is nuts.

So I'm hiding my feeling away from the rest of the world my moods are getting worse i mean just yesterday i beat my Hoover up and he came out quite bad i mean first my clothes horse now my hover when is this going to stop??? never I'm guessing.

BREAK DOWNS

OK so I have been away for a few days to get away from the stress but the minute i get home its staring me in the face i cant escape it !!!

Sunday was the first break down tired and upset I'm taking out my anger on my husband and he not taking it no more telling me he feels like i dont love him any more so what do i do i cry i cry long and hard but still i don't let my husband know why am soo upset but he comforts me and i feel OK again

Tuesday i find out we have 5 months to find our self somewhere to live landlord is chucking us out WTF what and idiot i don't care about his reasons for it we have just turned his derelict little flat from what was really a smelly shit whole to our home where we planned to settle and have our baby.
this is kinda where i guess it stared i was just creating arguments for the hell of it argued with dh all Tuesday then by the evening i had broken down crying for no apparent reason then he said that dreaded word BABY i just burst out crying i let it out then went to bed after that my head was spinning and i could not sleep
that's so unusually for me usually I'm asleep before my head hits the pillow, for the days that followed i was withdrawn in my self went to work never spoke to anyone got on with what i had do then went home not eaten properly since Monday did not communicate with dh now hes again telling my he feel like i don't love him as sex is not on the brain (men) don't worry bout whats really wrong.
SATURDAY
so Saturday comes and we have a busy day of viewing properties but dh and i have sparked a row again because i asked him to make the bed???? so i refused to go out simple hes telling me he feels like i don't love him AGAIN! so i said is this your excuss to get rid of me blame it on me say its me who don't love you or is it really the other way around?????
i said why should i go look at house to buy when Ur going to divorce me - well that shut him up
so we go out looking at crap run down houses all he says is can you see the potential - NOOOO
after a long day out we come home to be invited out for dinner so i just said yes but i did not really want to go just seconds after that i randomly burst again i crawled in a ball next to dh and cried and cried he was some what supportive and said just let it out this obviously needs to come out!
dinner out was nice and my cousins and their babies were there and i got them all to myself which mad me feel on top of the world. they asked if how ttc was going i just said I'm barren to avoid talking bout it and they just laughed.
MONDAY
ok so i come into work still upset bout the weekend and all the events and begging to write this journal but i was so overcome by it all i began to cry and could not complete -

sorry if this is all so rushed and makes no sense -

STILL HERE AND STILL TRYING

Don't you just hate it when you don't prepare and you fell like your always the last in the race
i mean i feel like I'm going to be the last in the family to have a baby (out of the older lot)
i mean my older and younger cousins have had their babies this year.
next thing you know my sister and the younger lot will be preggo (id actually scream)

maybe its me maybe I'm just not prepared enough i mean i hardly even done the the deed this cycle i just hope i still have time otherwise I'm in or going in to the two week wait with absolutely no hope at all

I'm just trying to be RELAXED which was working up until now!!!!
was i just too RELAXED or am I just getting bored of trying if so how? i mean i want a baby like mad

was not too sure if dh was feeling the same thou as he is toooooo RELAXED
so i thought id test him i told him that i had gone back on the pill and had been on it for three weeks now
well that was a bad idea he looked like he was going to cry and said tell me your lying but i thing the grin on my face said it all so now i feel like I'm not in it alone he does want a baby and is not just going along with it to make me happy


I'm going to say it now need ttw to be over so i can go onto next cycle and try harder sex every day haaaaaa

will be busy this week so at least i wont be thinking about it 

MOOD SWINGS

I don't know if theses actually come with with ttc or these have suddenly occurred after my mc
but I have found myself having mood swings, ohh no not any mood swings, raging mood swings!!! they had been OK up until yesterday I can feel my self getting angry so I would isolate myself ignore people get on with what I've got to do but yesterday it suddenly change
on Friday I found myself cleaning the AGAIN with NO help from dh this well pissed me off to say the least but I got over it soon enough. As I woke on Saturday I felt like the house was still not to my cleaning standards so again i started to clean UP! dh is on the ps he can see what im doing and AGAIN offers me no help at this stage I was raging I felt like I could take on Mohammad Ali and knock him out!!!!! I began getting mad then madder then madder I've always been able to control my anger ohhh no not today no way I flipped rite out throwing two clothes horses to the floor full of clean washing then just started kicking them and completely broke one of them and then if that went enough i started smacking my head on the kitchen unit and then the back of my head against the wall I was ready to explode what was wrong why am I so angry dh rearly helps me continuously making up excuses I should be used to his shit, or maybe that was it i had taken it for just too long. I sat on the floor with my back to the wall knees up to my chest still banging my head on the wall behinde me. THEN I just felt an erge of calm back to normal no more angryness I just sat there thinking WTF have I done i got up picked up the mess I had created and carried on as normal.........

Dh did no say anything i think he was oblivious to what had gone on still playing his effing ps
I needed to get out I asked him to hoover the living room and dust (knowing he would leave it) I'm going to see the horses i need to get out!!!

I think he may have got the picture after seeing the broken clothes horse one leg had been completely broken off as the living room was clean and tidy when I arrived home 4hrs Later and in a better mood.