Wednesday, 25 May 2011


Today I feel better MUCH better

yesterday we went to see a mortgage advisor - we have had a mortgage agreed WHOOOOPA
we have put an offer down on a house not the one want but it will do and is clean

I have decided not to worry about this whole TTC thing one day at a time i feel will be better hopefully this house moving thing will keep me busy

I'm going to try not to stress so much theres no need for it so why am i doing it
period is over now too

I can just move on and up go with the flow

I need to keep PMA i will be pregnant by the end of the year I know I will be

on to cycle i just cant remember and the breakdown

OK so this is cycle 6 maybe 7!

OK so this cycle just gone i was chilled out rite up until the dreaded tww then for some reason I had just turned phcyo i mean mental thinking ever move every loo trip every burp, hiccup every head ache every food craving just made me think that for some reason i was preggo but in fact this is just not the case why am i humoring myself soo much this is nuts.

So I'm hiding my feeling away from the rest of the world my moods are getting worse i mean just yesterday i beat my Hoover up and he came out quite bad i mean first my clothes horse now my hover when is this going to stop??? never I'm guessing.


OK so I have been away for a few days to get away from the stress but the minute i get home its staring me in the face i cant escape it !!!

Sunday was the first break down tired and upset I'm taking out my anger on my husband and he not taking it no more telling me he feels like i dont love him any more so what do i do i cry i cry long and hard but still i don't let my husband know why am soo upset but he comforts me and i feel OK again

Tuesday i find out we have 5 months to find our self somewhere to live landlord is chucking us out WTF what and idiot i don't care about his reasons for it we have just turned his derelict little flat from what was really a smelly shit whole to our home where we planned to settle and have our baby.
this is kinda where i guess it stared i was just creating arguments for the hell of it argued with dh all Tuesday then by the evening i had broken down crying for no apparent reason then he said that dreaded word BABY i just burst out crying i let it out then went to bed after that my head was spinning and i could not sleep
that's so unusually for me usually I'm asleep before my head hits the pillow, for the days that followed i was withdrawn in my self went to work never spoke to anyone got on with what i had do then went home not eaten properly since Monday did not communicate with dh now hes again telling my he feel like i don't love him as sex is not on the brain (men) don't worry bout whats really wrong.
so Saturday comes and we have a busy day of viewing properties but dh and i have sparked a row again because i asked him to make the bed???? so i refused to go out simple hes telling me he feels like i don't love him AGAIN! so i said is this your excuss to get rid of me blame it on me say its me who don't love you or is it really the other way around?????
i said why should i go look at house to buy when Ur going to divorce me - well that shut him up
so we go out looking at crap run down houses all he says is can you see the potential - NOOOO
after a long day out we come home to be invited out for dinner so i just said yes but i did not really want to go just seconds after that i randomly burst again i crawled in a ball next to dh and cried and cried he was some what supportive and said just let it out this obviously needs to come out!
dinner out was nice and my cousins and their babies were there and i got them all to myself which mad me feel on top of the world. they asked if how ttc was going i just said I'm barren to avoid talking bout it and they just laughed.
ok so i come into work still upset bout the weekend and all the events and begging to write this journal but i was so overcome by it all i began to cry and could not complete -

sorry if this is all so rushed and makes no sense -

Monday, 9 May 2011


Don't you just hate it when you don't prepare and you fell like your always the last in the race
i mean i feel like I'm going to be the last in the family to have a baby (out of the older lot)
i mean my older and younger cousins have had their babies this year.
next thing you know my sister and the younger lot will be preggo (id actually scream)

maybe its me maybe I'm just not prepared enough i mean i hardly even done the the deed this cycle i just hope i still have time otherwise I'm in or going in to the two week wait with absolutely no hope at all

I'm just trying to be RELAXED which was working up until now!!!!
was i just too RELAXED or am I just getting bored of trying if so how? i mean i want a baby like mad

was not too sure if dh was feeling the same thou as he is toooooo RELAXED
so i thought id test him i told him that i had gone back on the pill and had been on it for three weeks now
well that was a bad idea he looked like he was going to cry and said tell me your lying but i thing the grin on my face said it all so now i feel like I'm not in it alone he does want a baby and is not just going along with it to make me happy

I'm going to say it now need ttw to be over so i can go onto next cycle and try harder sex every day haaaaaa

will be busy this week so at least i wont be thinking about it